He had one of those small greek statue penises
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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