I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
