Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
