I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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