I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
