Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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