i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
