last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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