It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Boobs speak an international language.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
