Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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