I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
