Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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