there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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