Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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