I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
