My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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