I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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