All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How naked do you want me to be?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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