he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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