I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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