You smell like stripper and shame
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
