Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize