My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
