I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
