can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
