i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
