As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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