3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
