oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
