you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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