why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
pray to the hookup gods
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
