She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize