now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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