i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You're a waste of cheezeits
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
