i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
