Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
