remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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