I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You took a bar mat shot.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
