Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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