I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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