So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
