You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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