my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
