So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize