at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
