I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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