Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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