Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
