Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
