awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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