im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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