When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
