What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
