you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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