Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
