i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
