I will die if light touches me.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
