even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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