508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
