well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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