Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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